is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
