is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you will always have a special place in my vag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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