Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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