i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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