You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
