Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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