Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
