Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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