i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
