Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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