I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
