i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
