you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
