So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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