You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
