I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
