well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My ass is underappreciated
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
