those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
