we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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