A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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