Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
