Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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