Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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