Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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