my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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