Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
