He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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