I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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