never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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