I wish I could teleport
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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