I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
