its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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