I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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