Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
