i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
