It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
