We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
