You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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