if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
