I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
