his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
