Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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