the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
