You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
