dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
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