Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
