Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
