walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
