this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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