The maid of honor just puked.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
