i already hear my dad disowning me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
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I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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