I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
