I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
