Tell her she can't have a vagina
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
