What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i think my cat just said my name.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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