if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Randomize
