shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
